


The Energy Symposium

by redsnake05



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Gen, Law of Attraction, energy vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28204002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsnake05/pseuds/redsnake05
Summary: Colin makes Guillermo take him to an Energy Symposium, where he meets someone unexpected. This is not quite the sort of new age, positive thinking Guillermo was expecting.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	The Energy Symposium

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brutti_ma_buoni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brutti_ma_buoni/gifts).



Colin Robinson was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. Guillermo paused before walking down as slowly as possible. He hoped that Colin Robinson had just been stuck in a corner and was unable to back out, as sometimes happened when what passed for his digestion glitched. 

"Ah, Guillermo," Colin Robinson said. He was wearing his beige jacket and a new and lurid deerstalker in teal and orange plaid, ready to go out, and his smile was more than ordinarily smug. "I have a treat for us." 

He brandished a piece of paper in Guillermo's face. Guillermo tried to grasp it, but Colin Robinson moved it tantalisingly out of reach. Guillermo tried snatching it once, before he remembered that he would get tired of it, literally, before Colin Robinson did. He dropped his hand and stood still.

"You're no fun," groused Colin Robinson. "Shall I read it to you instead? Let me find my glasses."

"They're on your face," said Guillermo. 

"Are you sure?" asked Colin Robinson. "Because I don't remember putting them on this morning."

Guillermo reached out and plucked the glasses off his face. 

"Ow," complained Colin Robinson, as one of his ears bent forward at an odd angle. Then he looked at his glasses, now held close in front of his face, in apparent surprise. "There they are!"

"They were on your face the whole time," said Guillermo.

"Thank you for finding them," said Colin Robinson. He folded and unfolded them a few times and fiddled with them suspiciously. "Are you sure these are my glasses?"

"Yes, I'm sure," said Guillermo. "Can I have the flyer now?"

"You'd think I'd know if these weren't mine, but I've picked up other people's glasses before and not realised until they come to find me. I think it's a thing that happens more than people talk about, considering that they are usually on your face. I suppose I should have a spare pair. I've been trying some on virtually, you know, where you upload a photo and get to try some different types. Here, I'll show you."

Guillermo watched his moment as Colin Robinson juggled his phone out of his pocket and neatly pulled the flyer from his grasp. 

"Thank you," said Guillermo, unfolding the flyer as Colin Robinson hovered closely, glasses momentarily forgotten. "An Energy Symposium?" he read. "A Law of Attraction Energy Symposium?" He thought about it for a moment; it was exactly the thing he should have expected Colin Robinson to find.

"Indeed," said Colin Robinson. He pointed to a section, getting needlessly into Guillermo's space to do so, shamelessly making him uncomfortable. "Look, it says here, 'learn to harness the full potential of your positive energy'. Doesn't that sound interesting?"

Guillermo handed back the paper and stepped out of range. 

"I still have to hide last night's bodies," said Guillermo.

"Oh, you know I love tagging along on those little errands," said Colin Robinson. "We can go afterwards."

Guillermo remembered a few of the more awkward moments that had ensued when Colin Robinson had accompanied him on body disposal. There was a car crushing business he was never going to be able to return to, which was a shame, because those people had been professional. The receptionist had even given him a discount sometimes, on account of all the blood being drained in advance and so making the bodies less messy. 

"I can leave it till later," he said. He had a good system going at the crematorium, and he wasn't about to risk losing it just because of Colin Robinson. 

"Let's go now," said Colin Robinson. He hovered awkwardly while Guillermo pulled on his sensible brown jacket, then took off his own jacket and changed it for a matching one.

"Twinning," he said, holding his sleeve out next to Guillermo's. "It used to be a fashion faux pas, but I'm told it now embodies our need for shared values and belonging. Perhaps this is the start of the brown jacket's moment."

Colin Robinson trailed behind Guillermo and waited impatiently as he opened the door to the car. Guillermo reminded himself not to apologise for not having central locking. 

"What happened to the stereo?" he asked.

"Oh, it got stolen," said Guillermo, whose memories of Colin Robinson fiddling with the tuning, insistent that he could sift the experimental acid jazz station from the noise of sport talkback, were actually painfully acute.

"You should think about replacing it," said Colin Robinson. "I read an interesting article about the effect of music on driving, which you would think would have been extensively studied by now. One of the many gaps in the so-called science of psychology. It studied both quantitative data in the form of heart rate and respiration rate, while also allowing for self-reporting of mood. Do you find driving to be a cognitive load? That's what they describe it as…."

Driving could not compare to the cognitive load imposed by Colin Robinson. Guillermo rolled down his window. It was cold, but the rushing of the wind forced Colin Robinson to raise his voice slightly, and his droning cut in and out. Guillermo could only catch isolated words and phrases now. It wasn't soothing, but at least they were likely to make it to their destination.

The back of the conference hall was crammed with tables. Despite the stark, commercial architecture and cheap carpet tiles, the organisers had clearly wanted the space to resemble a spiritual womb, but just hadn't been able to afford enough prayer flags and fringing to achieve it. Colin Robinson took a deep breath and rubbed his hands together. Even Guillermo could smell the earnest optimism and self-love blended with cheap patchouli. 

Colin Robinson disappeared into the crowd, and Guillermo wondered if he should go home and do the body disposal now. Colin Robinson was likely to be hours; surely he would have time.

"There's tea and coffee over there," said a person, and Guillermo quickly refocused. The woman in front of him was wearing a rainbow jacket, but otherwise seemed perfectly normal, and Guillermo relaxed a little. Sometimes it was nice to just meet other humans and remember that not everyone was a meal. This was nice.

"Thanks," he said. He had time for a coffee, even if it was weak and filtered. He sat at one of the little tables and watched the people flowing like a little river, forming groups here and there that were the rocks around which the streams of walkers eddied and shaped. There was a cheerful hum to the room and Guillermo found himself relaxing. 

There was a brief commotion behind him, and Guillermo turned in his seat. The big doors had been flung completely open, and a solitary figure walked through them. 

The room went still, like all those present were holding their breath, as the figure strolled slowly in. Guillermo could have sworn she was being followed by a spotlight, and possibly a full string orchestra. She was riveting. Then she turned slightly, bestowing a smile like an axe on a bystander, who crumpled to the floor where they stood. 

The moment passed, and the light seemed to return to normal, and everyone else went back to what they were doing. Guillermo frowned slightly as the woman kept walking through the crowd; a crocodile slipping unseen through the water. He hastily drained his drink and stood. Whatever had just happened, leaving now was looking like a great idea.

"Hello," said a voice beside him, and Guillermo froze. He risked a glance, keeping his eyes down, hoping it was just an enthusiastic tarot card reader hoping for business. It was her, though. He wasn't sure how he could tell just from the tone of her voice and her sensible black shoes, but he was certain.

"Hello," he mumbled, concentrating very carefully on folding his paper napkin into a small, tidy square to reduce litter.

"You have the most delicious energy," she said. 

"Thanks," he said, stuffing his napkin into his coffee cup and making sure he crumpled it symmetrically.

"I'm Caroline Robinson," she said, and now he was startled into looking up, to meet the most sympathetic and understanding smile he'd ever seen. It was warm and invited him in, the same way the branches spread over a tiger trap might encourage you to step there. He couldn't help himself.

"I'm Guillermo," he said.

"Such a beautiful name," she said, "It matches your energy. So warm and soft. I'll bet you're the caretaker of your group, aren't you?"

"You could say that," said Guillermo. He took a deep breath, entranced by the soulful, infinite insight she radiated. However, a flat voice, harsh after hers, cut across anything else he might have said. 

"This one is mine," said Colin Robinson.

Guillermo blinked and stepped back hastily as her attention left him. He scuttled quickly around the other side of the table and turned to see Colin Robinson facing off against Caroline Robinson. 

The comparison should have been laughable. Caroline Robinson was sleek and expensive, almost shiny with charismatic benevolence. Looking at her, you knew immediately that she was made for conference halls and exclusive retreats, where you would be enraptured by her. Colin Robinson was rumpled, faded and ubiquitous, and you would forget him as soon as you looked away. Guillermo could see the similarities though, in the way, once your attention was captured, you couldn't look away or let go, even as you felt the energy drain from you.

"What a surprise, Moranthos," she said, a huge smile lighting up her face as if this was a joyous occasion. Guillermo wasn't fooled, judging by the tight, parsimonious smile that stretched Colin Robinson's face in return.

"Oh, you know how I love surprises, Euphagia," he said. "I'm very fond of them, naturally, since surprise originally comes from 'seize', meaning a military maneuver, but of course, we won't be having any of that at such a peaceful gathering. Especially since we're going to have to leave."

"Indeed, isn't it so beautiful here? Like your friend, with that soft, pure energy of his. I was just talking to him. Surely he'll want to stay and listen to the talk, about how to better access it and share it with the world."

Guillermo hastily shook his head. He didn't like the look of this. It didn't matter; neither were looking at him, intent on each other.

"And you, old friend," she continued, "surely you'll want to talk about old times with me; it's been such a long time. I've missed you. Don't you remember, when we were young and ran on the green grass, before you left me?"

Guillermo blinked, feeling an almost overwhelming desire to cry with loneliness, and he heard someone in the crowd behind them actually start sobbing.

"You haven't missed me at all," Colin Robinson replied. "You haven't thought of me once since you betrayed me to the elders, on that very same green grass that you're so nostalgically invoking. Since I find you here, reduced to a common psychophage, I can only guess that you've been exiled too."

Caroline Robinson's smile faltered, and her warm aura fractured. She seemed to grow taller, and Guillermo realised she was floating, and her hands curled into fists and then uncurled as claws. He noticed that her manicure stayed intact, and wondered briefly at the magic involved, before he realised that Colin Robinson was also floating, wings stretched out behind him, and an extravagant pair of horns curling from his head. Guillermo blinked. This was unexpected.

"Guys, guys," he said, distracting both combatants. "There's a whole conference hall full of credulous people here, no offence to any sincere believers, and you're going to have a fight? Do we look like we're on Jersey Shore? Like, you do you, but I have to get the bodies to the crematorium before they do their afternoon burning, and some of them are going to be hard to get into the spare space in the caskets."

For a moment, he thought they would swoop on him and alternately bore and sympathise the life out of him. Then Colin Robinson laughed, and, to his surprise, Caroline Robinson followed suit. 

They looked at each other, seven more similar now, with that precise, greedy smile plastered on both their faces. Guillermo wondered what on earth they actually were, because he'd never seen vampires like this before, and there would certainly be no running on the green grass if they were. In his experience, vampires found running beneath their dignity. Also, while he had seen many of them turn into bats, some, thinking uncharitably of Jenna, more successfully than others, he had never seen claws or wings or horns. At least, not outside of the bi-annual vampire orgy, when, he was moderately certain, they were part of some exceptionally elaborate costumes.

Caroline Robinson and Colin Robinson backed away from each other slowly, and Guillermo, hoping they would forget about him for the moment, eased his way towards the door through the transfixed crowd. They were all staring at the pair, seemingly mesmerised by them.

The ensuing hour was full of some of the wildest emotional scenes Guillermo had ever seen. He hovered by the door as Colin Robinson and Caroline Robinson swooped around the room, eyes glowing. Their cloying catchphrases bounced off one another, and if people weren't caught by Caroline Robinson's hackneyed exhortations to be the energy they wanted to attract, they were felled by Colin Robinson's platitudinous facts. The crowd just waited passively to give up their energy, and Guillermo wondered why they didn't fight, or resist, or run for the door. Then he realised that he was standing in front of the doors. And they all appeared stupefied.

Guillermo felt queasy, and kind of repulsed, but at least he wasn't going to have to hide all these bodies. Probably. 

Finally, they slumped into chairs at the back of the room. Their claws and wings dwindled, and they seemed to shrink in on themselves. The room was echoing, as limp as a deflated balloon after a child's tantrum, but still Guillermo approached cautiously.

"I've missed that," said Caroline Robinson. "No one can drone like you, and I swear that your voice is prissier than ever."

"Using the law of attraction is inspired," said Colin Robinson. "But you've always been a show pony, ever since we were young." He paused. "We can't ever go back, though."

"No," she agreed. "I wish, though, I wish, and so few of us left."

"These modern energy vampires," said Colin Robinson.

Caroline Robinson twirled her hand, in a gesture that seemed to sum up their shared feelings on that front, and they lapsed again into silence. 

Guillermo cleared his throat. "I have to get to the crematorium," he said, apologetically.

"Such beautiful energy," said Caroline Robinson. She tried to stand, and Guillermo helped her. She was wavering in place, and he hastily grabbed a walking frame from an elderly person passed out nearby. They wouldn't need it for a while. 

Guillermo ushered Colin Robinson out to the car and eased him into the front seat. Caroline Robinson had staggered into the elevator to return to her hotel room, both of them still glutted like Guillermo's uncles after Thanksgiving. Colin Robinson seemed a lot more human, oddly, just after being the most inhuman Guillermo had ever seen him. 

"Thanks for saving me," said Guillermo, very quietly, as he put the car into gear and inched out into traffic.

"Euphagia, the eater of good, and Moranthos, the death flower," murmured Colin Robinson. "Ah, how I miss the sweet dreams we breathed in then."

Guillermo felt almost sorry for Colin Robinson in that moment, despite all reason. He'd just watched the man psychically tear into and drain dozens of people, laughing as he did it, his eyes glowing and his sharp claws incongruous against his matching brown jacket. He just looked crumpled and unremarkable now, like that hour had never happened.

"I thought we could get matching glasses too," Colin Robinson said, opening his eyes just slightly. "To go with our jackets."

Guillermo sighed and wound down his window, letting the cold wind blow away his misplaced sympathy and Colin Robinson's voice alike.


End file.
